aku stuju.

aku pusingg.. pusing pusing.. gw ga tau lagi mana yg bener.. tp biarpun gw ngerasa smua org mojokin gw.. melihat dia dr sisi negatifna.. tapi, gw uda mutusin.. apapun yg terjadi.. gw akan terima.. sgala konsekuensina..

tuhan,jagain aku yah.

gulp!

he said, its not all about lust.. there’s love inside.. love that he means sayang.. he said,he feel so comfortable..

he said,he will be more angry than last night.. if i leave him..

but if i rewind every moments.. he talked about his ex gf while we’re spending our time together.. and its kinda hurt me..

huff..

i dont know what to do now.. i dont want to lose him.. i hate to watch somebody leave me..

but i know.. even im missing him like hell.. i will always be nobody for him.. coz he doesnt have any feelings.. and even he has a feeling,and me either.. there will be no sweet story..

what should i do know ?

soulmate.com !

* apa artinya bila semua orang berlomba-lomba bilang mencintaimu,tidak bisa hidup tanpamu,ingin selalu berada di dekatmu,lantas.. berlomba-lomba meninggalkanmu ?

* kalau kau bertemu tuhan dalam tidurmu, tolong titip satu pertanyaanku,apakah dia membuatmu dari semacam zat candu? karna suaramu selalu membuatku rindu..

speechless..

gw ga ngerti..

ada apa sebenerna ma gw?

ribuan kali gw bertanya2 dalam sepanjang sejarah hidup gw..

dan sampe detik ini,gw masi mempertanyakan yg sama..

"hidup itu cm satu kali,jangan di buat susah",kata2 yg suka di ucapkan oleh kindy ke gw.. but,well. lets look at my past.. im running and running in the same things.. am i such a stupid person?

*narik napas*

gw esmosi.. gw terlukaaa.. setengah badan gw rasana mati! emang enak sih.. emang bikin nagih.. otak gw bilang,"yah elah,ren.ga usa status kan?",logika gw blg,"yah gpp lah". tapi deep down inside,hati gw tuh ngejerit2 benerna..

di tengah masalah2 ga jelas ini.. di tengah smua perasaan gw yg uda bercampur aduk jadi satu.. gw harus nerima kenyataan.. bahwa smua itu hanya berdasar pada 5 huruf saja..

gw ga ngertii.. gw bingung.. gw bingung.. bingung.. bingung dan bingungg..

gw taw gw butuh someone buat ngejagain gw.. ngelindungin gw.. tapi,kenapaaaa.. di saat gw butuh itu smw,gw harus taw klo ada 5 huruf menanti.. kenapa sih gw ga bisa nutup mata,nutup hati,nutup perasaan gw.. dan membiarkannya smua berjalan begitu saja..?

gw ngerasa bersalah ama dia.. meskipun,kadang gw mikir,toh dia jg ga ngerasa bersalah.. atau.. entahlah..

huff.. sms2 dia hari ini apalagi pas maw tidur ini.. bikin gw tambah bingung.. i feel like im a headless chicken.. dunno where to go..

bram,kopenk,deka.. thanks for giving me ur hand.. so i can try to be strong..

and i cried..

*ps: koq jd berasa keq gw org yg kehilangan kehormatan gini sih nulis blogna? soblog. hahahaha..*

wew.

thanks for everything..

thanks God for giving me this pain..

"its glad to see that its all enough for me to you. drawing a pain but making me stronger,even my tears keep drowning by. i’ll let you go,and watched you happy with her. coz maybe thats the meaning of LOVE. isn’t it? "

viuh. im too speechless. but,one thing that you must know,dear. even its hurt.. i try all my best to let you go from my heart,my mind. i love myself.

dear God, please help me. one year,1 month,2 days,9 hours, 37 minutes.. is ENOUGH. ENOUGH. MORE ENOUGH.

my lovely quote : "loving someone is more screepy than i thought. its feels like watching myself die."

totally damn speechless..

spupu gw tadi ngmg,"lo itu kenapa sih? lagi pengen di perhatiin yah?"

damn. honestly banget banget dari dasar lubuk hati gw,gw speechless gila !! mungkin ga sih gw butuh di perhatiin aja benerna? gw ga brani bilang ga,skalipun gw jg ga yakin klo jawaban gw adalah iya.

lagi2 hari ini.. gw melakukan kesalahan yang sangat sangat di benci sama abang gw (kakak angkat tepatna). gw tau dia takut banget klo masa lalunya keulang lagi.. gw tau dia sayang banget ma gw.. tapi,emang bener sih.. kenapa yah gw lakuin lagi.. lagi.. dan lagi..

huff..

im so sorry bro.. i didnt mean to make you sad.. sorry dad.. sorry mom..

*dan airmata pun menetes di dalam hati*

grr..

heran gw.

di tengah gw lagi stress2na tugas.. jenuh2na kuliah..

deeply underpressure yg butuh dukungan..

yang masi berusaha membuat otak waras gw menyadarkan gw..

bisa2na bokap gw terus2an meledek fisik gw..

blom di tambah tukang ojek kampret itu..

blom temen2 gw..

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

gw tunjukkin klo gw bisa kurussssssssssssss..

dgn cara apapun.. skalipun itu bikin gw mati overdosispun..

bakal gw tunjukkin !!

taeeelah ama smuana.

i deserve MY BDAY ! :)

"i learn.. i learn what is love,after i felt the pain.. i learn what is friendship,after i met them.. i learn how to stand up,after i fall down.. i learn lots of things,after i watch my past.. i learn to FORGIVE and to FORGET.. i learn,and i learn.. and i thanks God for everything that i had.." - 070486

Huaah.. karna gw ga tau mau nulis apa sebagai pembukanya.. gw pengen teriakin sigit.. (should i mention it again? SIGIT!),"HEY,MY FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDING MATE,I DESERVE IT!".. huahuahua.

umm.. finally,my bday wishes come true. gw bday di cikarang.. bersamaan dgn nyokap gw ke solo karna acara kluarga.. dan yg tadina niat gw sabtu ke cikarang.. jadina malah JUMAT! hehehe..

kenapa jumat? karna tiba2 pas kamis malam,daddy ngmg,"Puti,kamu mau ke cikarang kapan?besok ada mobil loh. klo mau besok,bisa tuh. pas ada mobil." **well,ceritanya lebih panjang.. intina sih adalah akhirna mereka pasrah mengijinkan gw hari jumat ke cikarang! wkwkwk**

pas jumat siang jam 3an.. gw sampe dan dgn sedikit ujan2an,gw nyasar ke PU.. *koq nyasar?*,dan abis itu ke puspa,nungguin si kharis nyuci sambil ngobrol ma radit dan jaka… lalu ke JB.net ketemu si kak vai.. trus cabut ke dorm.. dan gw lupa ngapain lagi sampe akhirna,makan malemna di BMG bareng sigit dan ketemuan ma kindy ma kopenk disana.. :),abis itu,malem2 kita (sigit - kopenk - kindy - gw) main kartu 41.. hihihi..

sabtu pagi.. aan tiba2 sms,"ren,siap2 yah. jam 1 atau jam 2 gt qta jemput!". pas sampe di puspa (di jemput radit),aan yg tadina memberi alasan klo mreka beli makanan buat bday gw dan tadina gw kira itu hanya alasan ece-ece.. ternyata,beneran di persiapkan.. gw sampe speechless.. terharuu.. mau nangis tp maluu… smua2na deh jadi satu.. bis makan,gw di ajakin foto bareng2 dann.. *JRENG2*.. perang pun di mulai.. tau2 gw di timpuk pake telor.. tepung.. air molto.. pasir.. kerikil.. huauahuahua.. sakit banget benerna pukulan ptama itu. =(

di saat perang2 dan anak2 pasrah ma gw.. alhasil,cucian sukron jadi sasaran,gw kasi tepung.. kasur gw kasi tepung.. haha.. trus gw tendang2 pintu kamar mandi biar nico ma sukron kluar.. hahaha.. tapi yg paling kasian tetep edwin.. edwin yg tak berdosa dan dgn tampang polosna,gw ambil kunci motorna,tanganna gw tarik,dan kita siramm !! hehehe.. padahal dia katana bis mandi gitu..

itu sabtu siang.. padahal bday gw minggu.. hehe.. yah gw bisa memaklumi’na.. alasan aan adalah, "ptama,qta jarang2 ketemu,ren.. jarang bisa ngumpul ama loe jg.. kdua,lo kan pulang minggu siang.. tar ga keburu di kerjain.. hehe".

karna gw ga kuat lagi ke dorm.. gw di pinjemin baju radit,dan segera mandi. bis itu,gw tadina niat tidur dulu di puspa. cm bhubung ada bisnis ma brothakuw chowlz,pulang aja deh.. hehe..

sore2,menjelang magrib,gw ke b204 as usuall,ngobrol2 ma brothakuw chowlz dan tb2 gw blg,"nih,chowlz. ak ganti uangna.." (dia beli kue tart keju kecil titipan gw.red),dan dy pun blg,"ga usa,dud. sorry yah ak ga bisa kasi apa2.". huff,si abang gw satu itu.. dgn tampang memelas gitu.. dia ga tau,gw senengna setenga mampus..? huff.

malem jam 11,gw ngerengek2 (cuih,kesanna manja bet!) ma brotha chowlz buat bdayna di percepat.. alhasil,kue tart dgn pisau dan lilin modal pinjam ma bawid.. di persiapkan.. tp,jangan kira saya yg di siram.. tidak! awalna malah brothakuw chowlz yg di siram.. hihihi..

dan drpd mellow2 di kamar ola sendirian,gw pun memutuskan buat tidur di puspa aja.. bgadang ma ngangan.. ngobrol2 sambil nonton hostel mpe 1/2 6 pagi.. umm.. abis itu.. pulang ke jakarta jam 12an tp belok semanggi dulu dgrin badgemaniacs rapat.. dan.. wisnu kopenk bram ke rmhku.. lalu.. tidurlah saya from 8 to 8 ! alias 8 malem hingga 8 pagi.. hehehe..

uda ah. super ga konsen gw nulis blog ! toh,detailna biar saya saja yg tau.. hehehe..

crying like a baby..

gw ga ngerti ma gw yg skarang deh.what da hell is going on with me yah ?

blakangan gw kerjaannya cm ga bisa tidur,sekalinya tidur ga tenang,dan teriak2.. trus suka nangis jg.. jadi berasa rapuh banget.. gw keq ngerasa gw kembali ke irene yg dulu.. =(

gw jenuh? gw lelah ? gw ngerasa sih itu uda bukan alasan. i’ve pass it.. yg gw taw gw butuh someone. i cant deny. someone yg bisa ngeyakinin klo everything going to be fine.. someone yang ada di samping gw.. holding my hand.. giving me his shoulder mungkin? haha.. kesanna desperated bgt jd jomblo.. wkwkwk..

tp sayangna,im a PHILOPHOBIC person.. feels like LOVE DOESNT EXIST and boys are such a bastard.. hihi.. tp klo kata adipt (bang adiptna PU),"cynical with boys? bole aja.. as long not with friends that doesnt have any feeling with you.."

hmmff.. i hate being left.. i hate the feeling called losing.. i do and im too afraid to start the game called LOVE. even though being married when im still young  is one of my dream,but to have it for real is more screepy than having a relationship,right? its not just bout love-sex-child-money-and trust.. !! it has a "how-to-keep-ur-couple-stay-and-stick-forever-with you".. and im not ready to ride the roller coaster.. to watch the bad sh*t things happen.. how can i know my right person ?

well,call me cynical bitch.. call me crying baby.. or anything..

here  i am.. !!